How to impress Ofsted.

Get off my sweetcorn!

As this is our gardening blog I need to start this with a topical gardening paragraph: don't my sweetcorn look lovely?

Anyhow, Declan the Ofsted Inspector is an incredibly nice and helpful guy; and 'No' he didn't say we were brilliant and that "everything is great" and "keep up the excellent work". He went through everything in minute detail during a six and a half hour marathon where he didn't stop for a break.all day.

He left us to go to see Roy Orbison, well not the actual Roy Orbison but an impersonator, and gave us homework to do. Sharon's has to be in by Wednesday, mine in by a bit later and I don't think he will wear 'the dog eating it'.

So, how do you impress an Ofsted Inspector, well here's a few don'ts:

     Don't turn up half an hour late at 9.30 when he was there at 9.00.

     Don't ask the neighbouring engineering company if you can borrow an angle grinder; extension lead and a length of stout wire because your keys are at home.

     Make sure that 'Rich is a King and Ray is a Queen' is wiped off the whiteboard, although some frantic rubbing removed most of it before he had a look round.

     Make sure that when the guys say yeah we've put that document in there for you that they really have and haven't cleared off to Blakeney and Cambodia sniggering!

Anyway it wasn't the harrowing experience we expected.  Thank you Declan.

We went to the Brandon House for a meal tonight just Nanny Southwellski and I.  Coco babysat Little Nanny Mero for us and Little Nanny Mero was asleep when we got home.  The food was quite good, the setting an bit too minimalist for me, and the staff unhappy - but it didn't spoil anything for us, we were just happy not to be cooking.

Plenty of room for another tunnel

See this is where I have been quite cunning in bringing the post round to food.  Food means plants means growing means I have another polytunnel on its way!  Yay!!!!!

And what about earwigs?  Are they really good parents?  Would Percy and Parsnip have turned out any different if we had been earwigs?
       

If you go out on the deck tonight you're sure of a big surprise

Why I shouldn't be allowed to multi task

Aren't clouds amazing!

Its been an eventful day here at the garden in a number of ways.

Coco and I have spent most of the day outside cutting grass, harvesting veggies and planting our melons out under cloches as it's turned rather cold here, well I've been planting Coco has been unplanting.

Right from the day I bought the seeds cheap in Focus, I thought you will have a lot to contend with my little beauties and I didn't expect much from them at all. I was pleased that they had even germinated.

Now if they produce anything it will be amazing, they have all been planted at least twice some three times.

Who ate the runners?

Sunday is roast day and we were very proud to have produced Potatoes, Carrots, Peas and Purple Curly Kale to have with it.

There is certainly a sense of achievement in harvesting, preparing, cooking and eating your own stuff.

We should have had Runner Beans as well but they sort of got eaten on the way back to the kitchen, didn't they Coco?

Now, to make our lives easier Nanny Southwellski has prepared a monthly menu for us so we know what we are having every day and it's brilliant! So today was roast chicken (not one of ours) with veggies.

As it was a beautiful day we decided that it would be best cooked on the BBQ using the spit and we would have it with salad and new potatoes. I balanced the chicken on the spit beautifully, turned on the burners, put the lid down and went to prepare Coco's dinner. She normally eats with us but time was ticking on etc etc so she had something else.

While she was eating I thought I'd make a loaf of bread and a cake (cake for the ofsted man!) and watch Coco and cook the chicken. Easy peasy!

To make it more of a challenge,  I took Coco for her bath (she had finished eating).

Chicken cooking, bread proving and all the ingredients ready for the cake, Coco in bath, marvellous!

Nanny Southwellski came and took over after how long I'm not really sure but Coco was turning prune like.

I walked into the kitchen to see smoke billowing from the BBQ. I went out, turned the burner off and lifted the lid to find the chicken on fire! I had been calm up until then.

Anyone in Hockwold waiting to see the Olympic torch pass through was not disappointed as it was on our deck and I was carrying it!

I like mine well done please.

In fact what I was doing was running around waving the flaming chicken on a spit about to extinguish the flames. It worked a treat.

The chicken however was slightly singed but it was only skin deep and I have to say it was delicious.  This is the second one we have done on the spit and it certainly stays moist and tasty

Lunch tomorrow - sorted!

The cake turned out a treat, but then Delia is a Goddess even if she does support Norwich City she has never let me down.

The Dough for the bread I divided between two loaf tins and then realised I had only made enough dough for one, Doh!

So I scooped it out and kneaded it again stuck it into one tin and it's turned out great.

Now all we have to do is get by the Ofsted man and it's on with the summer holidays!

Parsnips 21st, The Ofsted man cometh and a very pleasant evening indeed

Now its been a couple of weeks since I was last here, so get a coffee and a comfy chair because its a post of substantial, though not epic proportion.

Parsnip blowing out her candles

Did I mention Kirsty 'Parsnip' Southwellski was 21 a couple of weeks back? No? I'm sure I did, or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

We had a brill day, Nanny Southwellski went shopping for the day with Parsnip Southwellski in Norwich; and Coco and I had to 'babysit' Little Nanny Mero and Uncle Luke. All in all they behaved very well and did what they were told most of the time. Coco and I made a chocolate birthday cake and put candles and icing flowers on top.

We decided that we would all go to Pedro's in Chapelfields, Norwich; a Mexican restaurant and a lovely time we had too. 

Little Nanny Mero was very excited, 'Was Pedro really Mexican?' 'Could Pedro speak Spanish like Little Nany Mero?' 'Was Pedro in the kitchen at that very moment?' It was nearly too much!

Now we all know that moment when someone close to us is about to ask a question that we know can only end in embarrassment for one and all. Little Nany Mero's eyes widened as the hapless waitress wandered foolishly close to her, too close!

" Is Pedro working today?" The words were out, the question asked.

" There is no Pedro, it's owned by someone in Great Yarmouth" She replied.

One of two things was going to happen, Little Nanny Mero, illusion shattered, was going to point out that if there was no Pedro it shouldn't be called 'Pedro's'. Or she was going to collapse into hysterical laughter.

It was ten minutes before she stopped laughing! Coco had finally mastered the art of sucking through a straw by the end.

Even Parsnip became affected/infected.

Now I know Mother In Laws get bad press but I really do have one in a million, we share jokes, books and an interest in world war two.

We put the world to rights on the journeys home and have brilliant ideas that will save mankind, well Parsnip (Kirsty) and Percy (Luke) anyway.

Kirsty had a lovely time she said, I know we did and it was good to see her laughing and with her family again. We love you Parsnip, very muchly.

Some of you will know that Nanny Southwellski and I run a business called ZFL (Zone For Learning, and yes HSBC we are one and the same you muppets!) where we teach among many other things such as how to assimilate a severed finger without actually doing so, magic tricks and Carpentry and Joinery and Decorating.

New visitors to our website www.zoneforlearning.co.uk will see that we now offer much more, go on have a look, I'll wait.

Ah good, you're back, Nanny Southwellski did a good job with the website didn't she? Just in time for the nice Ofsted man on Monday. Now the more observant of you will notice a new addition to the teaching team in the form of a handsome, suave (or is it swarthy?) dashing, silver-fox-type figure with the title of Horticulture tutor.

DO NOT GET EXCITED!

I said at the start of this blog it is not the place to visit should you want pearls of wisdom about all things green and growing,

NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!

You want gardening tips and advice, go check out Alan Titchmarsh's website or better still check out Cottage Smallholders blog. This is Fiona and Danny's blog. Nanny Southwellski got wind of a get together of some of the people who visit the blog and wangled an invitation for us to go along. Good move Nanny.

We visited an idyllic smallholding tucked away behind a beautiful cottage in a lovely village. The garden is filled with traditional plants; rhubarb big enough to build fences with or certainly make coshes from; hidden corners which secreted carvings and benches; and a bunch of genuinely lovely people!

Coco met some good people, which in my mind is fantastic. We are trying to avoid getting into the whole "every stranger is a danger" club. Yes of course we realise you have to be careful, but there is care and there is paranoia. If we are there with her and she is okay sitting with someone we feel okay about, where is the risk? Coco doesn't just rub noses with anyone but Paul(?) obviously had the right type of nose and clearly spoke her language fluently.

Now Nanny Southwellski will tell you that I am not the best at meeting people in new situations for the first time, but I felt right at home from the very start. I don't like going to clubs or gatherings of people who share the same interests as me in case they are the type of people who take the enjoyment out of it, or they know more than me.

For example. I am not a bad cricketer, if I say so myself, in fact Andrew Strauss ran me out at Lords in an international a few weeks back. Okay, so it was a dream, but Mr Strauss I am STILL VERY ANGRY!!!! I have played for some good cricket teams but hated it when they have held post mortem's, analysing every ball and where people went wrong - and that was when we won! Nah, not for me.

Anyway, as usual, I digress, there was a spread of food fit for royalty; ample drink; and the best cup of tea outside of Nanny Southwellski's kitchen! There was fresh mackerel being filleted and smoked; smoked mushrooms; and roasted garlic which Coco had shredded by the time we got to the car. We all have a strong aroma of garlic so no hassle from vampires at Broadlands tonight.

Nanny Southwellski has been very busy in the kitchen of late and we now have jars of Cherry Jam; Cherries in Brandy; Cherries in Syrup; Gooseberry and Ginger Jam; Pickled Eggs; and Pickled Beetroot lining the shelves of our larder.

The Jams are to die for! It was our first attempt at preserving and all the jars sealed as they should, the colours are amazing and I can't wait for the bought stuff to be used up.

On the garden front everything is growing madly, especially the weeds. Who said weeds are just misplaced plants? Well fret no more my friend, I know where your 'misplaced plants' are so come and get them as soon as you like!

Coco has continued to provide her authoritative and discerning quality control processes to the crops.

Carrots were the last to get the 'Coco Seal of Approval'.

This takes the form of every item of fruit and veg we harvest being stamped with four tiny teeth marks. 'If it ain't been ate it don't reach the plate!'

Our pumpkins are looking impressive now, I took this about three days ago, its amazing how much it grows each day.

We have about 12 pumpkins developing nicely at the moment and more are expected.

Talking of expecting we thought we had our first broody hen a couple of days ago; not any more, it seems she just thought the nest box was a bit lumpy.

Anyway, before I go just a little phrase for someone in particular.

'The eyes are the window to your soul. Not only have you opened your windows, you have taken down the nets and the curtains and the locals are staring in!'

Once again, thank you to everyone at the Cottage Smallholder gathering for making us so welcome.

And this is relaxing??!!??

I've read all the books and Coco and I have had long conversations about gardening and if it really is relaxing.

Now Coco will probably tell you that her idea of gardening is having a ride in the wheelbarrow, trying a freshly picked carrot or peas straight from the pod or having a go on her swing or a chill out with Uncle Luke in the hammock.

Uncle Luke is back from Aberystwyth for a few weeks, he is studying Genetics, poker and alcohol at University there. We are all very proud of him and probably don't tell him enough but then that's what parents, especially Dads do. 

Uncle Luke

Great Grandpa Southwellski would always tell me how well my brother Colin was doing and tell Colin how well I was doing and it was only after Great Grandpa Southwellski passed away that Colin and I spoke about it and realised that he was equally proud of us both. 

So Luke if you read this I am proud of you and all that you are doing and Coco has a very cool and chilled Uncle, even if you are a tad untidy!

Anyway is gardening relaxing?

The argument against.

I have developed a very individual war dance for when the dogs and cats stray onto the veggie plot, it would strike fear into Cochise himself.  

And when it rains from absolutely nowhere just as I am watering the peas which I stupidly placed as far away from the tap as I could and have to carry a watering can to them because the hose isn't long enough I go a decent shade of puce!

Monty

When my parsnip seeds on a strip (that are impossible to sow on a windy day and I resemble a gymnast doing a ribbon dance) only germinate every 6th seed I tend to feel a bit miffed.

Or when Monty creeps up behind me and barks just as I am removing that trickily placed side shoot just below my very first tomato of the season, which I have called Trevor by the way.



 The argument for.

Nanny Southwellski and Monty all smiles!

When Coco and I get up in the morning and let the chooks out and the birds are singing, the sun is shining and all the veggies are standing proud and glistening with early morning dew it makes me stand and look and feel good.

When Monty and Nanny Southwellski smile in unison it makes me feel warm inside and when Coco points at the carrots and peas and says 'This' as only she can, it makes the carrots taste so much sweeter. 

Trevor

 

And when our plants that we have nurtured from tiny seeds, battled to protect them from the chooks, dogs, cats and birds, watered religiously day in day out, talked to sung to and encouraged from the very start, when they start to produce the hard work is forgotten.

We have called our first tomato (left) Trevor for no reason other than it begins with 'T'.  Trevor is an Italian plum tomato who will end up in a pasta sauce of some sort.  You won't feel a thing Trevor.

Pea processing Southwellski style!

We harvested our first peas today, expecting a heavy crop we took our largest trailer (right) down to the peas and commenced picking.

Coco quickly took charge of quality control marking each suitable pea with a tooth mark, just to let me know that she had checked them all you know.

We seemed to have about twice as many pod shells as we did peas, I suspect I will trace the missing peas in tomorrows first nappy!

Our potatoes are the sweetest new potatoes you could wish to eat with just a hint of our home grown mint added at the end of cooking they are divine and the hard work in the cold of digging the plot, planting and then replanting after the chooks had dug in a fashion Time Team would have been proud of, being hit by a late frost which took them almost back to the ground, all that seems a dim and distant memory and well worth the effort.

So I guess I have answered my own question really, the fruits of Coco and my labours are more than enough to make us forget the stress and toil we have gone through to get here.

Yes, gardening is relaxing!